Fuck Jerry's Greatest Hits

Back in 2015 I pulled a little stunt at a Ted Cruz Rally.

I knew it had the potential to go viral so for the first time in my life, I watermarked some images thinking it might help grow my brand.

At this point in my career I was so young and naive. Little did I know that there was a big bad MEME GOD out there who ate watermarks like mine for breakfast.

Damn son. Talk about getting alphaed.  FuckJizzle AKA Elliot Tebele straight up cropped out my watermark and used the image to plug his news account. It was such a savage move that I actually respected it. You sure don’t build a meme empire playing by the rules right?

However, flash forward a couple years, I had to learn the hard way that FuckJerry may not be as internet tough as I first thought.

This prompted a quick response from Barstool’s EIC:

“Famed meme plagiarist and joke stealer “Fuck Jerry” (if you’re not familiar think of a ripoff Fat Jew but less funny) getting Mad Online at someone on the Barstool social team using the same picture as him. It came to some of our attention that a guy who makes his money on stealing content getting mad at someone for stealing his content was a very ironic and very funny thing to happen – made even more funny by the use of “posers” and a “let em hear it” with a high five emoji (for the record nobody let us hear it, not a single person. It’s tough to mobilize your fan base when it doesn’t actually exist.)

The bad news? It only lasted like 15 minutes before Jerry tucked his tail between his legs, pulled all the posts down and made his Twitter account protected. Literally the quickest death in internet history. We hadn’t even gotten rolling yet. The Stoolies weren’t even fully at their battle stations. 99% of the tweets he was getting weren’t even mean, they were like, legitimate concern asking if he was positive he wanted to do this. That was all it took though to shut the whole thing down. Pretty anticlimactic

Anyway this goes without saying but, in the most obvious plot twist of all time, Fuck Jerry stole this meme from someone else.”

Seeing FuckJerry upset at my employer for stealing a meme he had already stolen, was a confusing and distressing time for me.  What happened to the ruthless meme master I knew and respected so much? The guy who would rape and pillage the far reaches of the internet for Instagram likes without giving a single fuck about the antiquated concept of “credit”. There must be another explanation for why he was acting so out of character. Thankfully, I was right. As it turns out, a few months prior to this,  he had approached my boss Dave Portnoy at a social gathering and things didn’t go the way he had hoped.

After hearing this on the rundown, everything finally made sense. FuckJerry was still the bad ass Meme Mesiah I always thought he was, it’s just that he’s a meme mesiah with a fragile ego who lashes out when he feels his meme empire isn’t getting the respect it deserves. If it makes you feel any better FJ, Dave doesn’t know half the people who work at Barstool either.

Once this drama blew over, everything went back to normal and I found myself once again laughing hysterically at all his dank memes and witty captions. Now I’m sure your wondering, how could I be so sure that Fuck Jerry was really still a rockstar Meme Marauder and hadn’t devolved into a gigantic pussy over the years. Well, this past Monday, he once again stole one of my videos without giving any credit and that’s all the confirmation I need.

However, for those of you who still aren’t convinced Fuck Jerry isn’t just a hack loser,  I’ve taken the trouble of going through his Instagram page and curating a “greatest hits” of his memes and captions that are sure to convince even the biggest skeptik of his creative genius and mastery of the meme game.

10. The Hmmmm

When I first saw the lady in this photo (Beyonce?), I thought she looked inquisitive AF. Judging by her body language and lip placement, it seemed likely that if I was in the same room as her, there’s a good chance she’d be making a “hmmmm” sound. Then I scrolled down and HOLY SHIT FUCKJERRY, YOU ARE GOOD!  To be a top level MEMER, you need to have a deep understanding of the human condition and be able to predict the thought processes of everyday people. FuckJerry has a knack for anticipating how homo-sapiens will react to specific combinations of photos and words that would make an Ivy-league educated sociologist cream their pants. And that my friends, is why he’s the GMOAT.

9. The Google Doc “Oh Hi Lol”You ever used google docs before? OF COURSE YOU FUCKING HAVE. A true meme master always knows his demographic which is why you don’t see FJ posting memes about pay-phones and prune juice. He knows that the only way to get the Jerry Fuckers(new name for his devout following I just came up with) dicks hard is to meme about something they can relate to and these days you’d be hard pressed to find a millennial who hasn’t had to use google docs while collaborating on a group project. And what does everyone thing when someone enters the google doc with them? Say it with me now folks, “OH. HI. LOL” Happens every time and you’re either a senior citizen or too poor to own a computer if you say otherwise. This one makes the list because of it’s simplistic truth.

8. His “Relatable” Series

As I mentioned in #9, FuckJerry is a savant at posting other people’s memes that the Jerry Fuckers can relate to. However, it’s not only his followers who relate to the memes, FuckJerry himself relates to every single one too, so much so that many of them actually ARE HIM. 

I think FJ being able to relate to every meme on the internet is a huge component of his success because it shows that while he is indeed a MEME GOD, he still has a lot in common with the vapid souls scrolling through his page in hopes of finding a glimmer of sunshine in their otherwise pointless lives.  Chrissy Teigen uses a similar approach.

When Chrissy reminds us that it’s ok to eat an entire pizza at 9AM

we realize that while she may be a mega rich supermodel, deep down she is just a fat gross slob like the rest of us. Speaking of Chrissy Teigen…

REAL RECOGNIZE REAL. The celeb that FJ relates to the most just so happens to be the most relatable celeb on the planet. That’s how you become a MEME KING folks.

7. The “Pew Pew Pew”

A lesser MEME account would have used this caption as an opportunity to crack a joke about one the many ugly stereotypes Florida is known for. However, when you’re at the top of the MEME food chain like FuckJerry, you’re never satisfied going for low hanging fruit(read: joke about bath salts/crystal meth). Instead, he decides to take the high road and utilize one of the most effective literary tools know to man: Onomatopoeia. The words “Pew pew” sound exactly like a laser gun and that’s exactly what is going down. This meme is shooting lasers directly into Florida’s gross meth mouth and there’s nothing they can do about it. The best part about this tho is because FuckJerry obviously didn’t make the meme and his caption merely states in a clever way: “This meme is making fun of Florida”, he avoids taking an Anti-Florida stance that could alienate some of his fanbase.  As the saying goes, shoot the Meme Maker, not the guy who jacks the meme to put on his instagram page. Stay hot Elliot!

6. The “FUCK SLOW PEOPLE” Double Dip

 Here we see FuckJerry posting the same joke from two different people a year apart. While I can’t say I share FJ’s intense disdain for slow walkers, I love these two memes because they show his growth as an artist. Back in 2015, he was already an expert at posting other people’s jokes but when it came to his captions, he was still  sticking mainly to his bread and butter AKA stating he either relates or agrees with a meme in as few words as possible. Why fix what’s not broken? However, come 2016, we finally start to catch glimpses of zero fucks FJ. I’m not sure what prompted this experimental phase of his career but my guess is that he realized that if one of his new caption techniques scared away some of his followers, he had already made enough money saying “MOOD” below other people’s jokes that it would be a non-issue. Thus when he came across the same slow person joke again and decided to go in for Round 2, he skipped right past the pleasantries this time and immediately called for the genocide of all sluggish walkers. Smart move too as it got 20,000 more likes than the first one. Violence moves the needle folks. This one makes the list as FJ took a courageous risk and it paid off big time.

5. “Story of My Life” Series

No one on the internet can pull off a “story of my life” caption better then my man Kung Fu-Jerry.

He always know exactly which memes to drop it on to get the optimal effect. Watching Jerry drop a “Story of My Life” caption  is like watching Steph Curry pull up for a 3, you know you’re witnessing greatness. He could just drop “Story of My Life” on every single meme from now on and he’d still go down in history as one of the greatest MEMERS to ever do it, which is why I find it so CRAZY when he takes something that perfect, makes a minor alteration, and it somehow becomes EVEN BETTER. What could be better than perfect. Scroll down my friends…

If “Story of My life” is Steph Curry pulling up for a wet 3, “story of my damn life” and “story of my youth” are the equivalent of Steph doing a 360 spin move as he pulls up for a juicy HALF COURT buzzer beater. These are moves that even the most elite MEMERS of our generation wouldn’t feel comfortable attempting and yet he pulls it off with ease.

4. The MTV Paid Sponsorship

This meme is the first on our list that is 100% an FJ original. MTV came to Elliot and said “Look bud, everyone knows you steal the best memes in the game and your captions are GOD LEVEL, but we’re a little concerned about getting sued for stealing someone else’s joke so this time could we get both a meme and caption that come straight from that crazy cranium of yours?” No surprise here, but Elliot absolutely CRUSHED IT.  With this meme he expertly uses nostalgia to hook the reader right off the bat. Toxic came out 15 years ago. When we think back 15 years ago it reminds us of a simpler time in our lives which triggers a positive chemical reaction in their brain. FJ has us right where he wants us.  Toxic could have been the worst song of all time but because of the all the happy memories it brings to the surface (such as masturbating to the Toxic music video), we’re all convinced that Toxic must have been the musical masterpiece of our generation. But wait this is when it gets really good. Up until now we think he’s just serving up nostalgia boners, but then BAM! out of nowhere he drops “Thank you for listening to my Ted Talk.” HOLY FUCK. The thought of someone giving a Ted talk about Britney Spears deserving to win a VMA for Toxic every year, is quite frankly too hilarious for my brain to even process. In fact, the only action I’m able to muster after being overwhelmed by the insanity of that line is SMASHING THE MOTHERFUCKING LIKE BUTTON. Whatever MTV paid for that post is quite frankly, not enough. Slay Fuck Jerry….Slay.

3. The This Year Sucks Series

Talking about how much 2016 sucked was a massively popular trend in 2016 and FJ, along with anyone else with a social media account, made sure to capitalize on that.

However, what really separates FJ from the rest of the pack, is that he saw the success of anti-2016 memes and thought,

“you know what, even though it’s now 2017 I bet there are still a bunch of negative and depressed people who are probably just as unhappy as they were in 2016, I bet if I steal an anti-2017 meme it will have just as much success as my anti-2016 memes!!”

It was a lightbulb moment for FJ, reminiscent of when Newton got hit with the Apple, and by golly it sure paid off.

2. Sun in the corner

FuckJerry first posted this gem back in 2015 and it was an instant classic. I enjoyed it so much I was actually a little disappointed he didn’t immediately turn this into a whole series. I was looking forward to future posts such as “when I was younger, I used to draw people as stick figures”, “when I was younger, I used to make turkeys out of my handprints”, and “when I was younger, I used to scribble outside the lines of my coloring books” but he had other plans. Similar to how Dr. Dre released his classic “The Chronic”, and then waited 15 years to drop “The Chronic 2001″ because he didn’t want to rush greatness, Fuck Jerry would wait until 2018 to revisit this theme oh boy, it was worth the wait.

This is more a “reimagining” or “soft reboot” of his original post than a direct sequel but I enjoy it just as much as the first one. What he did here was take the original meme that he had previously jacked from the internet in 2015, post it on his twitter, and rephrase the wording into a question, that he then answers in the caption with a perfectly placed hand up emoji. This way, he’s able to plug both his twitter account and instagram account at the same time while also making it appear that it’s an original observation of his. I was always knew Fuck Jerry had a top tier sense of humor this makes it clear that he’s also a genius self-marketer. Some guys just have it all. Finally, his admission that he did indeed draw suns in the corner as a child only serves to further cements his status as the most relatable guy on the internet.

1. The Xanax Long Bar

“Riding the Wave” is an idiom which means “to enjoy the advantage or benefit of a particularly successful, popular, fortunate, interesting, etc., moment or period of time”, and let me tell ya, FuckJerry rides the wave like a digital Kelly Slater. Everyone knows that Xanax has been “the wave” these past few years

 “The abuse of benzodiazepines (benzos), powerful medications prescribed to treat anxiety and depression, amongst teens has skyrocketed over the last decade ? partly due to their easy availability, and partly due to their glorification in society.” – Mountainside Addiction Treatment Center

and FuckJerry sure as fuck wasn’t gonna miss out on shredding some tasty benzo barrels. If it’s Xanax the youth want, then it’s Xanax memes FJ is gonna give them. I mean just look at the size of that bar?!!? Drake only needs this much to be out like a light switch

so just imagine what 3 of those long dongs would do to this guy.

He’d be out like a ghost! Get it? Cuz he’d be dead. Lol. But hey, if I was constantly depressed AND always down to party I’d want that much Xanax too.

Unfortunately, Lil Peep saw this meme, decided to actually take the equivalent of three of those mega-bars, accidentally killed himself, and now FuckJerry doesn’t post as many hilarious Xanax memes anymore but at least we’ll always have this one. Thanks for the LOLs while it lasted man!

SideNote: You can tell that the Xanax photo is a FuckJerry original as he added his watermark to it. Hey I’d watermark that too if I was funny enough to think of photoshopping xanax bars together. Genius.  Just another reason why this is #1 on the list.

Honorable Mentions:

MOOD

FJ has the best moods. Some are whacky, some are relatable, but they all hit me in the funny bone.

AMEN

Praise the lord for sending down a Meme Mesiah the caliber of Fuck Jerry. Can I get an Amen?

Emojis

FuckJerry is able to convey more with emojis than any blogger at barstool can with words including myself. If FuckJerry ever wrote a hit piece on Ellie, he would do it in less than 50 emojis and it would be so mean that even El Pres would veto it.

Note from the Author:

Writing this blog made me appreciate the Barstool IG page more. Yes I’m sure if you go digging you’ll find some absolute duds but the people who run it actually put a smidgen of effort into writing the captions and more often than not they make me exhale though my nose loudly, which means I’m giggling inside. Also have to give credit to TheFatJewish, I know he’s also know for stealing memes without giving credit but at least his captions are actually funny most of the time.